Voldemorg
by Comix and Co
Summary: Did you know Voldemort had a sister? And that he has Wednesday's off? And that he lives in a muggle neighbourhood next to an annoying man named Frank? Well now you do! Written because I kept spelling his name NTAINS OOC-NESS. T cuz I'm paranoid.


**A/N:**** So here's my other one-shot I wrote I can't help but put up. It does contain very OOC-ed charatcers in here, try to excuse that…**

_Ding-Dong! _

Voldemort stretched his arms and yawned. He looked over at the Plasma TV he'd bought from Comet. What was the chance of that? He had 900 channels, but there was nothing to see. Boring; Boring; Boring; Kiddie Program; Boring; Boring; Boring; Boring; Restricted; Boring... Oooh A Harry Potter Movie! _Which one is it?_ Voldemort thought to himself. He pressed i for information. At the top it read: '_Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askerban_'. _Boring!_ Voldemort sighed, _There's no me in it! Hey... It's almost finished! What's on afterwards?_ he clicked a button. _Eeew! Sex and the City 2. I HATE chick flicks._ he bordley clicked over to the next channel. _Hey! Tom and Jerry! At last! Something interesting!_ He put down the remote and snuggled down into his green snuggle-blanket.

_Ding-Dong!_

He opened his eyes and looked around. What was it? He had no idea. All he wanted to do was snuggle down and watch something good on TV, for it was a Wensday, his day off. After a minute, Voldemort was pretty sure that the person ringing his door-bell had gone away, so he closed his eyes again and snuggled down into the snuggle-blanket.

_Ding-Dong!_

His eyes snapped open again and he groaned inaudibly. Who DARED interuppt his 'Me' day? Who DARED interuppt his day off? All Voldemort wanted was to lie back, and perhaps watch the footie match between Chelsea and Liverpool at 4. Sighing, he muted the telly and got up from the sofa. His back cracked, and he winced. Stupid person ruining his 'Me' day.

_Ding-Dong!_

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" he yelled at the person outside. He stumbled forward, and five minutes later he got as far as the door to the hall. "I'm not that young anymore." he sighed.

_Ding-Dong!_

"I said I'm COMING!" he hissed, flinging the oak front door open. There stood a mad with blonde hair, green eyes and a flashy smile. In one hand was a big black briefcase, and in the other a pig luminous coloured poster advertised blankets and stuffed animals.

"Hello sir, could I interest you in one of our brand new snuggle-blankets?" he grinned. Voldemort glared.

"I bought five of them last week." he replied through gritted teeth.

"Ah, yes, but you see, we've made them better." The boy opened his big black briefcase and pulled out a big blue snuggle-blanet, "These ones come in four different colours: Blue; Yellow; Green and Red, and they have a built in heater to make your 'Me' days more warm and cuddly!"

"No thanks." Voldemort said, going to shut the door but the salesman caught it with his foot.

"Plus, special offer today, and today only! We're selling a bright hot pink ones! And, with every four snuggle-blankets get a free snuggle-teddy!" the man pulled out a dodgy looking brown teddy with only one ear.

"Yeah... no."

"Or, you could get a snuggle-bunny" he pulled out a bright pink bunny rabbit, "Or a snuggle-frog" Out came a luminous green frog with a mustache, "Or even a snuggle-duckie!" Latsly came a yellow duck with a diagonal orange beak.

"Good-bye." Voldemort slammed the door and stomped back to the living-room. He should realy buy a peek-hole to look out for the snuggle-blanket sellers, who came every single week and were a danger to his sanity. He'd just settled down onto the couch and reached for the remote when...

_Ding-Dong!_

An hour later Voldemort came staggering into the house pilled high with snuggle-blankets and stuffed animals. Suddenly he groaned and collapsed from the weight. Two Snuggle-teddys, two Snuggle-bunnys, two Snuggle-frogs and three Snuggle-duckie's where sitting atop the mess.

"Thank you, sir!" called the salesman from outside. Voldemort burned a hole through the masses of cotten with his red-laser eyes and sheer anger. After crawling outside the blanket-cave, he looked over to the TV. He found that Tom and Jerry had finished and Chowder was on. _I hate Chowder. What else is on? _Voldemort asked himself, reaching for the remote.

_Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! _

Finnaly Voldemort settled on a documentory on Marmalade because of two reasons:

A) He was annoyed by the Flicking the remote made when he changed channels.

B) The remote's battery ran down.

Voldemort amused himself by hitting the remote on the white sofa's arm repeatedly for five seconds. _Damn Harry!_ he thought bitterly _Damn Harry and his know-it-all Mudblood friend who knows how to pick batteries!_ He recalled the day he was picking his remote batteries; one week ago on a Wednesday when his batteries had run out so he had to go to Asda to get more.

***~*~Flashback!~*~***

Voldemort looked around the masses of aisles, clutching his shopping list in his white hand.

"Batteries; batteries; batteries, why'd they even invent them? Why couldn't we have used gerbils or Noddy videos?" he muttered, walking up and down.

"Looking for batteries?" came a voice from behind him. Voldemort jumped a foot into the air and yelped. "Shhh! You'll get into trouble!" Voldemort turned to see two people standing before him. One was a boy and had ruffly black hair and dark green eyes behind two rimmed glasses. The other was a girl and had fluffy, sticky-outy frizzy hair and brown eyes.

"Granger? Potter?" he acknoledged in alphabetical order. "What are you doing here?"

"Well I'm here to shop for Ron's birthday present- I didn't buy one and it's in a weeks time, see," began Potter.

"And I'm here to get the groceries. You know: Milk; Eggs; Meat; Vegetables; Fruit that sort of stuff," ended Granger, "Oh, and toothpaste."

"I couldn't help hearing that you had a battery problem." grinned Potter. _I bet you could. _Voldemort had thought bitterly, "I happen to know where they are. In aisle 28, the electrical aisle."

"Well then, I guess I'll be off." Voldemort turned and walked towards the aisle.

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

"Stop following me." Voldemort growled, turning to Potter and Granger who bumped into him.

"We aren't following you I need a new lightbulb," Granger smiled innocently.

"And I think there could be something for Ron there," Added Potter. Voldemort sighed and turned around and started walking again.

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

_Thump! Thump! Thump Thump!_

_Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

Voldemort's eye twitched.

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta Tap!_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Tappty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap! Tappaty-Tap Ta Tap Ta-_

"Will you STOP!" Voldemort practically shouted at Granger, who had been tapping along in time to the shopping tunes.

"Sorry," she rolled her eyes.

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Titter Titter TIT! Titter Titter TIT!_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Titter Titter TIT! Titter Titter TIT!_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!_

_Titter Titter TIT! Titter Titter TIT!_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_Thump! Thump! Thump! Thum-_

"POTTER!" he exploded.

"Yes Volders?" Potter asked happily.

"Stop Thumping. It's getting on my fourth nerve. And no tittering from you, Granger." he ordered.

"I wasn't tittering I was skipping." Granger grinned.

"Tittering; Skipping Whatever just stop." he growled. All was quiet for a moment.

"_I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerve, I know a song that'll get on your nerves and this is how it goes! I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I know a song that'll get on your nerves, and this is how it goes- _Sing it with me Mya!"

_Twitch. Twitch._

"_I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I know a song that'll get on your nerves and this is how it goes! I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, I know a song that'll get on your nerves and this is how it goes!_"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I can't take it anymore! Just. Shut. Up! From now until I leave this shop, you two will be quiet! Do you understand me?" Voldemort ranted. Potter and Granger nodded solemnly. "Good." they continued to walk along in silence. They did this for several minutes.

"Um... Voldemort?" Granger asked littley.

"WHAT?" he shouted. Granger looked terrified.

"I just wanted to say that we've passed aisle 28." she said smally.

"Oh." Voldemort looked at her. "Lets go up it then." For half an hour they perused the aisle.

"I would personally use Durecell Plus- they are TOTALLY AWESOME!" Potter yelled. Voldemort glared at him.

"Your my enemy Potter I don't think highly of your opinion." he growled. "Now then... the pink ones or the blue ones?"

"Pink!" offered Potter.

"Blue!" disagreed Granger.

"Pink!"

"Blue!"

"Pink!"

"Blue!"

"Pink!"

"Blue!"

"I'll go with Blue." Voldemort nodded.

"HAH!" Granger shouted triumphantly at Potter, "In your face!" She turned to the batteries Voldemort was holding. "These won't last long- only a week at most! What you want is the energy-saving ones. They last much longer and they cost less too." Voldemort had had enough. His 'Me' day was almost over and he'd wasted it all looking for stupid batteries.

"NO. I'm just going home. I've had enough!" he exclaimed and stormed away.

"Hey Hermione look! It's a Flipsy!" Potter called from the aisle over. "It's so cute! Whose a good boy! Whose a good boy!"

"You'll regret it Voldemort! You'll regret it!" Granger advised from where she stood.

***~*~End Flashback!~*~***

Stupid know-it-all-Granger. Now he was stuck watching how they make marmalade for the rest of the week until the next Wensday, when he could go buy some more. Oh well. At least he had a snuggle-blanket to snuggle into. He was just drifting off when...

_Ding-Dong!_

"WHAT IS IT NOW!" he screamed, getting up and stomping to the door. Outside stood a man with tanned skin and black hair and electric blue eyes.

"Hiya neighbour! It's me, Frank!" said Frank, his next door neighbour, "I've just got back from Africa with my family- d'you remember me telling you about that?"

"Vaugly." Voldemort sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon.

"Well, it was great! We stayed in a camp site and it was realy hot and Carrie got a fever and we had to nurse her back to health with the help of a witch doctor! He was realy spooky and had a bone sticking through his neck and kept speaking African. We had no idea what he was saying so it's lucky we had a translator! Her name was Henrietta and boy, was she a cutie. Even cuter than my Beth, and that's saying something, isn't it, Tommy old friend!" Everyone in the neighbourhood knew Voldemort as Tom Riddle.

"Yes, I suppose so." Voldemort nodded, not realy listning.

"Don't get any ideas though, Tommy! Beth is mine!" Frank grinned, waggling his finger at Voldemort. Voldemort had the urge to bite it. "We also climbed Mount Killamanjaro! Well, we attempted to, but we couldn't get all the way. It was realy hot up there and I learnt that the higher you go, the quicker it gets to make tea! It sounds British, doesn't it Tommy!" he put on a false English accent, "'I wonder how high we are, Marge. I know, lets boil a cup of tea!'" he gave a great booming laugh. "Yes. And we also went to see a Safari. We saw Rhino's, and Lion's, and Giraffe's, and Hippo's, and Hyenna's and goodness knows what else! Little Bobby wanted to see Simba, Naala and the rest of the animals in the Lion King, and you can bet it was a hard time convincing him it was just a movie. Cried for a week, our poor son did. Anyway, I need to be going soon, we need to unpack! I just came over to give you this," Frank reached into his pocket and pulled out a pink envelope, "The postman must have mis-mailed it by mistake around a week ago. Hope it's nothing too important." he gave Voldemort a Cedricy smile and walked back over to his chirpy, happy house. How Voldemort hated Frank. He was happy, chirpy and he talked WAY too much. He also reminded Voldemort of Cedric Diggory, whom he had killed a year ago and Voldemort felt true remorse about. The poor Hufflepuff didn't deserve to die. And he'd ordered Wormtail to kill him. The poor, poor Hufflepuff. Not to mention Draco Malfoy had started helping the order after he'd killed him. Draco's past shadow talked to Voldemort and he sighed.

'I can't believe you, Volders,' said Draco's past shadow to him, 'He was a poor defensles Hufflepuff who was innocent and you killed him. I hate you, Voldermort, and I don't care who knows it!'

"I know, Mini Malfoy, I know." sighed Voldemort, fingering the envelope. He gently opened it and stared in shock-horror at what it said.

_Dear my dear brother Tommy-Boo,_

_Guess who it is! It's your sister, Morgana! We haven't written in SO long I feel so out of touch. Did Wormtail come back to you? How is that hottie Cedric Diggory coming along at Hogwarts? I'm acctuatly writing to tell you that I'm coming back to Britain in a weeks time, so I'm going to drop in on you, okay? And don't bother hiding, I know where you live. I'll be coming to see you on Wednesday 4th April, so set up a bed for me! And make sure you have a present or I'll unleash my wrath of carebears. _

_Love you Bro!_

_Lady Morgana Riddle (Lady Voldemorg)_

Now if there was anything Voldemort feared apart from Death, the Dark and Carebears, it was his sister. She always contridicted him and laughed at him and did all kinds of things to make him feel sad, lonley and embarassed. He ran straight up to his room and hid underneath his patchwork quilt which Wormtail had made him for his 'Reincarnation' anniversary. One year that day. He didn't deserve this, surley! He didn't deserve to have his Wednesday's ruined twice in a row! But that was happening, and he hated it. Voldemort closed his eyes tight and wished it away like a bad dream, but he opened them again because it was dark when he closed his eyes and he was afraid of the dark. Bit ironic when you think about it because he was a Dark Lord, so he should have embraced darkness.

_Ding-Dong!_

"Cooey! Tommy-boo! Brother! I'm here!" came a girly voice from outside. Voldemort's face went white (even though it was already white...). It was her. Already. Oh no. Not now. Couldn't God have given him a couple more hours to pull himself together? No. No he couldn't, because God hates Voldemort. Everybody hated Voldemort, and Voldemort hated them. Only one person didn't hate Voldemort, and that was Belletrix Lestrage. She was even worse than those who hated him. Always clinging to him, laughing at his corny jokes he'd gotten of the internet, wanting to do every single job he wanted done... She was like a demented House Elf gone wrong!

_Ding-Dong!_

"Tommy-Boo! Hello? I know you're in there!" Voldemorg called, "And guess what! I brought Sharebear to play!" He went even whiter. Sharebear. No, no NO! Sharebear was the purple one with the two lollypops on her belly, and she was all about sharing. Voldemort was the white one with a sticky-outy bellybutton on his belly, and he hated sharing. If not clearly evidant, Sharebear was the carebear Voldemort was the most scared of. He shot out of bed and ran downstairs, still wrapped in the quilt. He opened the door and panted. Like he'd noted to us before: he wasn't that young anymore. Infront of him stood a Lady just as pale as him with red eyes, just like him, but she wasn't bald. She had short bouncy, curly platinum hair and her lips were thin. Upon looking at her brother, she placed the purple bear onto one of her luminous pink bags and hugged him with pity. "Aaaw my little brother! You're ill, aren't you!"

"What? No-" Voldemort started, but Voldemorg cut him off.

"You are ill! Just look at you!" she studied him, "Those fierce red eyes, sore I can see, ooh they must hurt, and you're pale! So, so pale!" she was pale too, but Voldemort wasn't going to say that to her, "And you're covered in a blanket! And you're bald! Oh dearie me, you're bald! Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all... I'll just come back when you're feeling better, shall I?" Voldemort had an idea.

"Oooh..." he groaned, "Aaaah... I think you'd better... Aoch... Hope this isn't contagious..."

"Are you sure you'll be alright little bro?" she asked.

"Yes... Ooooh... A couple of hours in bed..." he moaned.

"Okay. Is someone in here with you? You realy should be looked after... What about your nemisis? Or Wormtail? They should be with you through thick and thin..." she carried on.

"I'm not married to them Morgana..." he grumbled. She perked up.

"You're married? That's great! Is your wife in there? I realy want to meet the beauty you bagged bro!" she giggled.

"No! I don't... I mean..." Voldemort sighed. He didn't want to make his sister sad but what else could he do? He had an idea. He could lie. "She's gone on holdiday with her friends. She deserves a little time off."

"How long will she be gone for?" asked his sister concernadly.

"How long are you here?"

"A week."

"Two weeks." he decided.

"Aaaw that's too bad. But, as I said before, you shouldn't be alone while you're ill! Watch out, bro, I'm coming in." And with that fateful sentance, Voldemorg shuffled her way into the green hall. "Bring my bags in, won't you bro?" Voldemort groaned, but obiediantly dragged her luminous pink bags into the house, keeping well away from Sharebear. "Have you got me my present?" He blanked.

Her present. He didn't have her a present. She was going to release the wrath of carebears onto him. Unless... He nodded slowly and ran to the snuggle blanket-cave and grabbed a pink bunny and pink snuggle blanket. Then he sprinted back and gave it to her.

"Oooh," she gurgled, "a bunny and a snuggle blanket! You shouldn't have!" she grinned, and hugged him tightly, squeezing the life out of him. From over her shoulder, Sharbear glared daggers at him. He needed his sister out of the house, and fast! But how... If someone was there to look after him while he was 'ill', then maybe she'd clear off... Voldemort grabbed his pink cell phone that he'd got off said annoying sister and texted a note to Belletrix.

'_Bella! It's Code Hot Pink! CODE HOT PINK! I need my sister out, and she has this wild assumption that I'm married. Come over to mine and pretend to be my wife for me, will you? At least until she goes away! Thanks, Lord V._'

And... Send. Voldemorg led him into the living room and settled him down on the sofa. Then she picked up the remote and found it had no batteries.

"Now, this will never do, will it!" She laughed, "luckily I always carry around some spare energy-saving batteries. Here we are!" She slotted the batteries into the slot. Then she started flicking around the channels.

_Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! Flick! _

Man that annoyed him.

"Oooh! Sex and the City 2! Brilliant!" she gurgled and settled herself down beside him. Inwardly, Voldemort groaned.

_Ding-Dong!_

"Why, it's my wife, home early from her holiday in Barbados!" Voldemort grinned, jumping up cornily. He rushed to the door and greeted the frizzy-haired lady graciously. Except it wasn't the right frizzy-haired lady.

"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger and I'm collecting for the Sociaty for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare... Voldemort?" It was, as she'd just said, Hermione Granger, the frizzy haired mudblood extrodinare.

"Oh snap," he groaned.

"Is everything alright bro? Bring your wife in her why don't you, as I said before, I want to see the beauty you bagged!" Came his sisters bothersome high pitched whiny voice from the sitting room.

"Wife?" Granger asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Voldemort snorted. _And they call her the smartest witch of her generation?_

"Yes, Granger, wife. My sister thinks that you are my wife so for now pretend to be my wife!" He gabbled and pulled her into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

"What? Wife? Me? No! No, no, no! And besides, I can't wonder you don't have a wife if that's the way you propose. Hey! Don't touch me!" She slapped away his pale unmanicured hand as he tried to grab her and pull her into the room.

"By the way, I'm supposed to be ill. And you've just come back early from a holiday in Barbados with your friends." Voldemort informed, and pulled her towards the sitting room.

"What? No! I will not, I repeat not be your wife! Get your hand off me! Voldemort! All I wanted to do was get money to get House Elves a vacation! Voldemort! No! I don't want to..." He pulled her into the sitting room, and his sister looked her up and down.

"Morgana, this is my wife, Lady Hermione Riddle." Voldemort intorduced, forcing his hand around Granger's waist. _God this is so distrubing! Make it stop! Make it stop! _But God didn't; God hated Voldemort, as I told you before.

"Um... Hi, Sister-in-law..." Granger smiled half-heartedly, simultaniously trying to shove his hand off her hip without Voldemorg noticing.

"She's a bit young... Isn't she?" Voldemorg asked uncertainly.

"SHE is right here!" Granger snapped, and Voldemort tried to sniffle a laugh. Those two were going to be interesting to watch.

"But maybe with a bit of make-up... Hermione, darling, how would you care for a make-over session? Just the two of us?" Voldemorg clapped her hands together in enthusiam. Granger looked doubtful for a second, before slowly nodding. Voldemorg grinned and led her out of the room. Five seconds past before Voldemort jumped at the tv remote and changed it to the Simpsons. Then he noticed something glaring at him from it's home on the hot pink luggage. Something that was a bear. Something that was a purple bear. Something that was a purple bear who cared about sharing. Something that was a purple bear who cared about sharing who happened to like Sex and The City 2. Something that was a purple bear who cared about sharing that was willing to fight for Sex and The City 2.

Half an hour later a completly made-over Hermione Granger and Voldemorg walked down the stairs of Voldemort's home. As well as straightning and styling her hair, Voldemorg had applied mascara, green eyeshadow, blusher and lipstick. Said annoying lady opened the door to present Granger when she was comfronted by a... disturbing scene. Voldemort and Sharebear where on the floor, Sharbear still as a petrified person, of course, and Voldemort strangling him with all his force. In Voldemort's hand was a ginormous frying pan, and he had a black eye.

"May I introduce the new and improved... WHAT THE HUFFLEPUFF IS GOING ON HERE!" Screamed Voldemorg, running through the doorway and rescuing her beloved toy. "Are you alright Sharebear? Did the meany man hurt you? He better not have!"

"What's going on?" Granger stepped through the doorway, confused. Voldemort stared at her.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked stupidly.

"It's Hermione, stupid!" Granged snapped, hands on her hips.

"But... But it can't be! She's ugly, and you're... not!" He flustered, looking at her up and down.

"Hey! Don't be so rude to your wife!" She snapped, slapping him across the face.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you." He growled, rubbing the red patch on his face that seriously didn't go with his white complexion.

"Mhm." She nodded, grinning mischieviously. It was times like this that he wondered why she wasn't in Slytherin. "What's happened, Voldemorg?"

"My idiot of a brother tried to murder Sharebear!" Cried Voldemorg. Granger gave a dramatic gasp.

"Why, Voldemort, how could you! You are not the man I fell in love with!" She shook her head, and thought, _literally. Who would love a bald headed freak._

_I heard that. _Voldemort, as you don't know, had legicimy or what ever people called it. All of a sudden the front door banged open and Belletrix Lestrange ran in dressed in a white wedding gown. Well, it wasn't all of a sudden. We all knew it was going to happen eventually.

"I'm here Voldy, darling! As soon as I got your text I rented a wedding dress, booked a venue and a band, called up my cousin Sirius but then remembered I killed him and ran all the way here!" She gabbled, happy tears in her eyes.

"What for?" Voldemorg asked, forgetting about her mortally wounded teddy bear for a minute.

"For our wededing, of course!" Giggled Belletrix, ignoring Voldemort's frantic shaking of heads and throat cutting signs. Everything was silent for a moment, as Voldemorg stared from Voldemort to Belletrix to Granger and then back to Voldemort. Granger stood, not knowing quite what to do. After a second of more silence, she did the only thing a girl in her position could do.

"Voldemort, you're two-timing me?" Slap.

"Ow! That hurt!" Voldemort whined, rubbing his face again.

"Wuss." Granger snapped.

"What's going on?" Asked Belletrix, an innocent expression on her face. That was basically the only time when you could see her with an innocent expression, so Voldemort took the most of it.

"Well, from what I can tell is that my 'darling' brother over here," Voldemorg put quotation marks around darling, "asked you to marry him when he was already married to this young lady! Whom, frankly, I rather like."

"Thanks!" Granger gushed.

"Who are you?" Belletrix questioned, her brow furrowing.

"I'm Hermione Granger... Now Riddle..." she quickly added, remembering Voldemorg was in the room and she still had to pretend she was Voldemort's wife.

"No you're not she's ugly, and you're... not!" Belletrix protested, looking her up and down.

"That's what I said!" Voldemort raised his hands to the air. Granger looked at him for a moment and hit him again. "Stop doing that!" She took his frying pan and hit him with it. "Please?"

"It's about time you learnt some manners," she shrugged. Then there was another bang at the door, and Rudolphus Lestrange came bounding in, a furious expression on his shrunken face. Shrunken, because he's been in Askaban for however many years and he's only just broken out. He took one look at his wife and exclaimed,

"This confirms it! This is just great! I just break out of Askaban to be with my wife and Lucius tells me that his wife, her sister, said that she was getting married to Voldemort! Of course, I didn't believe that my wife would be so unloyal, but I guess I was wrong, wasn't I! I sprinted over here anyway, and here you are in a freaking wedding dress!" He yelled.

"This just keeps getting worse and worse for you, doesn't it bro." Voldemorg sighed, "first you cheat on your wife, then you make the person you cheated with cheat on her husband! And to make matters worse he just broke out of jail for her. This is like a soap opera, but without the stupid music!"

"You too, huh?" Granger sighed, a hand on one hip, and Voldemort's frying pan in the other.

"Hey who are you?" Wondered Rodolphus, as if he'd just seen her.

"You wouldn't know you've been in jail since I was three." Granger shrugged.

"It's Hermione Riddle nee Granger." Belletrix snapped.

"What? I've heard of her! She's supposed to be ugly though!" Rodolphus exclaimed.

"Really? Does the world hate me?" Cried Granger.

"No the world hates me. It's being so cruel to you because your with me." Voldemort exclaimed. THWACK! "Ow." The day was going great for him, wasn't it. The only thing that could have made it worse was if Potter, Weasly and Mini Malfoy ran in to rescue Granger and broke his Chinese vase.

"HERMIONE WE'VE COME TO RESCUE YOU!" Came a not-so-heroic voice. It was Weasley. Voldemort inwardly sighed.

"And by we he means him and me!" Came another, slightly aristocratic voice. It was Mini Malfoy. Voldemort inwardly groaned.

"And me!" Came another heroic voice, "ouch bumped on the door. Stupid door!" It was Potter. Voldemort outwardly groaned.

"Who is it?" Asked Voldemorg, trying to process who it was in her mind. CRASH!

"Ooops, hope that vase wasn't valuable." Came Weasley's voice from the hallway, as there was a clatter. Voldemort outwardly groaned again. In through the door ran in three teenage boys. Described from left to right they were: A tall, gangly boy with red hair that tried to immitate Edward Cullen, freckles dotted all over his face, and ice blue eyes; a tall but non-gangly boy with raven black, ruffly hair, dark green eyes and round-rimmed glasses, and then on the left was a boy of, again the same tallness but no ganglieness, pointed features, slicked back platinum blond hair and silver grey eyes. Named from left to right they were: Ronald Weasley; Harry Potter and Draco 'Mini' Malfoy.

"We're here to save you from the evil clutches of Voldemort Hermione!" Potter grinned, standing in a heroic pose that really did him justice.

"Yeah! When you didn't come back from collecting money for S.P.E.W., we got worried!" Mini Malfoy added, his back turned to the two boys because they were all posed for a poster and the bad boy of the group always had his back to the rest in photos.

"Hey... where is she?" Weasley asked, having a peer around the room. The others did likewize for several minutes. Nagini, Voldemort's pet snake who has been neglected to be mentioned earlier slithered in and licked her lips. Weasley stared at her in horror. "NAGINI ATE HERMIONE!" And, due to the shocking untrue news, Potter, Weasley, Mini Malfoy, Belletrix and Rodolphus began to run around the room screaming like madmen.

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Granger yelled. Potter, Weasley, Mini Malfoy, Belletrix and Rodolphus stopped running around the room screaming like mademen to look at her.

"Who are you?" Potter enquired stupidly.

"It's me, Hermione, you daft dimbos!" She shrieked, starting to get annoyed that nobody could tell who she was just because her hair had been straigtened and she had make-up on. It had happend before, in the Yule Ball and eveyone knew who she was then!

"No you're not! Hermione's frumpy, not cute!" Potter argued.

"I am so!"

"Are not!"

"Are so!"

"Are not!"

"Are so!"

"Are not!"

"Are so!"

"Are not!"

"Are so so so so so so so so so so so so so so!"

"Are not not not not not not not not not not not not not not!"

"You two believe me, don't you!" Granger gasped, turning to the other two whom had came to rescue her.

"Um... I agree with Harry, Mione looks like a night troll most of the time." Weasley shrugged. Red faced, Granger grabbed the nearest thing to her, which happened to be a knife because she was stood by the dining table and it had been pre-set for dinner, and chucked it at him. "AAAH!" Luckily, Weasley ducked just in time.

"I agree with Hermione. I recognise her, you remember the Yule Ball? She kinda looks like that now, and plus nobody else has her temper." Agreed Mini Malfoy.

"Thanks!" Granger gushed. "Now are you three gonna get me away from this hell hole or what?"

"But Hermione you're married to my brother!" Voldemorg reminded her, falsely. The savior boys gasped simultaniously.

"What?"

"How did that happen her Facebook status still says single!"

"Hermione you traitor!"

"I'm not married to Voldemort!" Granger snapped. Voldemort rolled his eyes. Now it was all going to fall to pieces.

"Then why did Voldemort's sister say you were?" Potter pointed out.

"I was collecting for the Sociecty for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare when I came across this house- Voldemort's house. He drags me in and all of a sudden I have to be his pretend wife to impress his sister- by the way I hope your paying me for this." She added to Voldemort.

"Was I supposed to?" Voldemort asked her. THWACK! "This is getting annoying now."

"Is this true, Voldemort?" Voldemorg asked, a dark ashen cloud forming behind her. Granger spotted the danger signs and started to move for the door, motioning for the rest to follow her.

"Um... Yes?" Voldemort grinned sheepishly, shinking into a corner.

"Is that a question or an answer?" She growled, anger creeping up inside her.

"An answer." He decided after debating for a second. Granger took one look at Voldemorg's livid face.

"RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!" She yelled, and Potter; Weasley; Mini Malfoy; Belletrix; Rodlphus and her ran to and outside the front door. Nagini slithered out fastly, if that is a word.

BOOM!

A day later Voldemort had gotten another day off. But it wasn't to make up for his other day off which he hadn't gotten. Oh, no. He was in Muggle Court, charged with blowing up a house and his neighbours. The people against him had been the Fruitelli's, Frank's family. Oh, yes, they had spun an interesting tale about how one moment their house had been there and the next it wasn't, and that Little Bobby was now at hospital in a coma which he'd never be likley to wake up from ("Poor Bobby! He was so young!"). Voldemort stood infront of the man with a wig, who everybody called Judge. Apart from a lady who brought him his lunch. She'd called him Bob, and Snuchie-Poo.

"Tom Marvalo Riddle, you are hereby sentanced to five years of community service, all of which shall be on Wednesdays."

_Damn you Snuchie-Poo._

**A/N:**** And there you have it. Did you like it? Was it funny? I wrote this last Christmas to celebrate getting a Netbook, and now I'm thinking about making a sequel… What do you think? Would it be a good idea? And if so, what should I put in there? Please review, constuctive cristism is welcome!**

**Comix**


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